The First Heartbreak

Heartbreak... it's something that many of us have experienced. Whether it's the loss of a loved one, the loss of a friend, or the loss of a loving relationship. Our parents cannot prepare us for our first heartbreak, but they can help ease the pain. Well, that's what they are supposed to do. My first heartbreak came too early, honestly it's something I child shouldn't have to experience. It was the first time I felt a loss I could never quite understand... even to this day. An abandonment that has dramatically changed my outlook on love, crushed my self-esteem, and left me with more questions than answers.

---

I was young when my parents split, stories and faint members have told me it wasn't the most amicable. My mother and father were still trying to figure themselves out, let alone how to juggle the struggles of marriage. The only memories I have of their time together are not positive, I'm sure to protect myself I've buried things and only bits and pieces have escaped. I do know, my father decided to leave... physically and emotionally. When he left, he did not only abandon my mother, but he also abandoned me. To this day, I still don't understand why. I am 100% sure I would die without my kids, and he so willingly gave me up. After the end of their draining relationship, my father packed his bags and moved out of state. Although it wasn't far - from Philly to Maryland - it was no longer close to me. Moving out of state wasn't the issue though, it wasn't the act that has left me bitter and hurt. It was deciding to separate himself from my life, with the exception of Christmas. I became the "I'll see you on holidays" kid, the innocent girl who didn't have a father to protect her, to love her, and to show her how she should be treated. Instead, I had the father who knew nothing about me, who attempted to make up for his absence with extravagant gifts. When what I longed for the most, was time and affection. And the times I needed him most, he left me vulnerable and confused.

---

I can remember being one of a few classmates taken out of class randomly throughout the year, my Catholic school decided to "counsel" students with absentee parents. Honestly, it was the biggest load of crap. The only person who could tend to my wounds was the person who created them, and he was no where in sight. The questions that I repeated in my head constantly was... "Why don't you want me?", "What did I do wrong?", and "Why am I not enough?". These are all questions I've found myself asking throughout the years. Crying in the darkness wondering why love has failed me, constantly wondering what I did wrong. These questions I'm terrified of my kids having, because I couldn't imagine hurting them in that way. Yet, I never had those answers, I never truly understood. And instead of blaming him for leaving me unprotected and unloved, I blamed myself. It's a habit I don't know how to break, regardless of how much I've tried. Why don't you want to be in my life? Why don't you love me?

---

Throughout the years I've searched for long in the wrong places, in the wrong people. I thought my happiness and my self-worth depended upon how others viewed me. So I have become a people pleaser, going above and beyond for everyone else because I just want to be loved. Just because I don't want anyone to leave me... because if they leave, it's because there is something wrong with me. I struggle with that idea constantly, even though I know it's not my fault, it's not easy to quiet that little voice in the back of your head. It's easy to say "It's their loss", when deep down you still feel as though it's something missing in you.

---

Years went by, and I decided to bury my pain and the questions I had. Making stupid choices, putting myself in bad situations, continuing to search for what I was missing. Though what I was missing couldn't be found anywhere, because it was something I needed to address and overcome. Spoiler alert... I still struggle with it today. My change of view came with the birth of my first 2 sons. As I held them, melted in their chubby cheeks and adorable grins.... I could not understand how ANYONE would willingly miss out on watching their child grow. As I said before, I'm pretty sure I would just die. So, I put on my big girl panties and invited my father over for a talk, thinking, maybe I'll finally get answers and some comfort to relieve this pain. And I was wrong, completely.

---

My father is one of 5, the only boy as well.... his father (my grandfather) had passed while he was a teenager. You'd think that losing your own father would make you sensitive to children growing up without a father, but obviously it didn't make a difference. After talking to him for a while, and asking "why weren't you around", I don't think I was ready for his response. It was something that still stings when I think about it, although I play it off like I'm not bothered at all. My father, part of the reason I'm on this earth, said to me.... "The reason I wasn't around, was because every time I looked at you I thought about the situation with your mom. And I just couldn't handle it." My father was so bothered by his divorce, that looking at his first born daughter upset him. So he decided to separate himself from her completely. I juggled feelings of hurt, anger, and worthlessness... I wasn't enough. His anger outweighed his love for me, his emotions overpowered his need to be in my life. I wasn't enough. I don't ever feel like I'm enough.

I felt heartbreak all over again. And every failed relationship since, will never compare...

#love #heartbreak #divorce #memories #blog