Silence is Golden
- angelinajvalentin
- Aug 28, 2020
- 3 min read
Remaining silent can be powerful... and extremely difficult. Early in life I learned the value of keeping my thoughts to myself for more reasons than one. Silence prevents confrontation, silence keeps the waters calm, and silence can protect you. One of the main reasons I have remained silent in various situations is out of fear. Fear that my truth will push others away, or that my truth will stir the pot, or even that my truth will end with me alone and broken. Yet, staying silent has still caused all of those things at one time or another. Staying silent keeps me from being vulnerable, a vulnerability that often leads to heartbreak and pain.
At times my silence has been viewed as compliant and resulted in me becoming a doormat too often, being used and taken advantage of by those that see it as weakness. But those people don't leave me, right? As if that makes it all okay. It took me years to realize how pathetic that mentality was and how being complacent was slowly killing me. Staying quiet in situations that not only required my voice, but also my strength and my confidence... yet in the end, I still felt the sting of loss. One drawback of being silent for so many years, is realizing how dangerous my mouth has become. How my honesty has evolved into a sharp weapon that stings instead of a declaration of pure strength. But still, it is protection... it is my safety net and saving grace.
As a child, remaining silent made life easier. I could not imagine adding anything to my mom's full plate, I couldn't bare being a burden to someone stretched so thin. So I held everything in, specifically the dark and ugly traumas, because I didn't want to make life harder. I didn't want to push her away like I pushed away my father... at least, that was my thinking. As a mother, I can see how wrong that was, but as a daughter it all seemed right. And to this day I stay quiet, at least until I'm push and provoked and I lash out in pain. That is where the years of silence have become more of a burden than a saving grace. But still, I think that my silence is better for those around me, even when it's detrimental to myself.
I struggled for years to find my voice and stand my ground. Specifically in relationships. The more confident I felt in myself, the louder my voice became. The more confident I felt with my decisions, however chaotic, and the more secure I felt with my actions. I am no where near perfect, but I have vowed to use my voice where it matters most. Even if silence is an easier route. Don't get me wrong, I still choose to remain quiet for my sanity and to keep the peace. But I don't allow it to weigh on me like it use to. I choose my battles and remind myself that sometimes silence is necessary to protect my peace. Why argue or stress yourself out over someone undeserving of your truth or your vulnerability? It's not worth your internal happiness to share with an ignorant fool.
Each situation calls for a certain reaction. To either stand strong and share what's on your heart... or chose to protect your peace.
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