Damaged Goods
- angelinajvalentin
- Aug 30, 2020
- 4 min read
Divorce is no easy choice. No one goes into a commitment expecting a negative outcome, especially after years of building memories and creating a family. Wonderful memories are an emotional representation of what you had, but children.... they embody what once was, Love. Divorce feels like giving up on something you vowed to cherish, divorce feels like defeat. But divorce can also be necessary for many people: for long-term happiness, mental health, and emotional well-being. Marriage was not a complete waste for me, it resulted in my four amazing children. I may regret staying longer than I should have, but I wouldn't have done any of it differently. That season of my life provided me with valuable lessons, unmeasurable strength, and beautiful children that I love and cherish deeply. That particular season of love gave me my greatest gifts, in the midst of utter heartbreak. But for the good, I am truly grateful.
Pain and divorce often go hand in hand. People lash out in anger, purposely hoping to share their misery and heartbreak. I learned this personally because divorce was my decision, and he protested. After 9 years of giving my all and working alone to fix the troubled marriage, I was "giving up". Isn't that a slap in the face? As if everything I did throughout the years was pointless, because I was the bad guy. I wasn't enough to create change, I just wasn't enough. I was battling my own thoughts and demons, wondering why I couldn't change things or fix things... and he continued to tear me down. Not admitting the fact that I lost myself to make him happy, that I compromised who I am to make things work... and in the end, I still became the bad guy. It was still my fault because I gave up on someone who claimed to "love" me. That was the true crime, using someone to build yourself up while you slowly destroyed them... and calling that Love.
One of the harshest things my ex-husband said to me was: "you're damaged goods, no one is going to want you". That hit hard, because in the back of my mind it was a valid fear. But in choosing divorce, in choosing myself, I also came to the conclusion that I would rather spend the rest of my life alone, than unhappy in a toxic marriage. That wasn't an easy choice because I had no one to fall back on, in reality it was a risk... but one I was willing to take. I have still heard the term "damaged good" from various toxic men throughout my life, but it no longer holds any weight, it stems from their own insecurities and anger. I know what I provide for those around me, especially the love and support I give freely, there is nothing damaged about that. My journey may not have been perfect and my past is filled with baggage I still carry today, but there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with me. I am not a lessor person because of my trauma and pain, I am strong despite it.
The title "damaged goods" comes with ignorance and hate. My most significant relationship after divorce was also the most detrimental and emotionally straining. The situation that hurt me the most. Having a man say I should be grateful someone is willing to be with me and my 4 kids, as though we're some sort of chore. Statements like "most men won't want someone with 4 kids" or "if it weren't for me you wouldn't have this or that". Okay Captain Save-a-Hoe, lets be real for a second. Based upon my experience since having children, most guys don't mind me having 4 kids... they're all still in my DMs honey. And on top of that, I was raised by a single mother. handling my business has been threaded in every inch of me. I can say this now after looking back at the situation, because in the moment it did break me. His words, his actions, his bullshit... they broke me more than any other man in my romantic life. With him I truly felt like damaged goods while he portrayed himself as the good guy. But no one sees the truth behind closed doors... the verbally, emotional, and physically abuse. To the untrained eye, he was the one that got away.
Years of therapy, self-reflection, and the loving support of those in my life, I was able to adjust that negative mindset. I literally had to move over 400 miles away to properly heal, something I still work on daily. But realizing that I am not damaged goods, when I often feel like a broken mess, is a small victory and one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But it also made me realize that some people are focused on trying to break you down for their own benefit, because they can't reach the level you're on... they drag you down under them. And at this point in my life, I only want to surround myself with those who elevate me... instead of those determined to break me.
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